Entry: Paying attention Feb 11, 2004

Grey day, muggy outdoors but I am in this chilled office space with diffused light and nothing overtly annoying. If I donít look at the flickering neon tubes overhead, that is, or allow the faint hiccupy buzz of the new printer to set my teeth on edge.

Mostly I get left alone in the early mornings so I can do breathing exercises and pay attention to the bigger issues of life once my admin is sorted out. Paying attention. I canít recall much about this morningís meditation because I wasnít there while it was going on. I was reading Thomas Moore on the jealousy of the gods and wondering if my lift would be on time and wishing I could get the garden weeded (by somebody else) and making myself finish a rusk I didnít want and congratulating myself on losing weight. No sady focus anywhere, no prayer, no quiet within. Iím glad that Ula is much happier this week, but I am shaken by the poverty and not being able to afford a home telephone, having to rely on the cell phones to receive calls. Unpaid bills I canít do anything about until next month. We are doing without, but not nearly enough.

Closing my eyes for a few moments as I sit here. taking deep slow breaths and recommencing this given life, this it-is-what-it-is reality. Grounding myself in the present. Waiting on the divine, Your perfect will at work in my turbulent imperfect life.


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